Tuesday, April 30, 2013

The First Church of Capitalism and Consumerism

Religious Consumerism

In the beginning, there was nothing. Everyone was dirt poor. Then one day the Goddess Barbie and Her Consort Ken were fed up with the filth and poverty, so they worked together and invented riches and capitalism. Long story short, they got the world to a state of wealth, and anyone who can't partake of the benefits must just be cursed, otherwise they would have riches too!!!

Deities:
  • Barbie = Our Lady of Perpetual Consumption, Haughty Wealth, and Charity.
  • Ken = Our Lord of BuyBuyBuy, SellSellSell, and hoarding Wealth; consort of Barbie.
  • Kelly = The Child, She for whom Barbie and Ken buy Christmas gifts.
  • The Commie = Evil God of Communism.
Saints:
  • William T. Gates, the third = CEO of the largest computer software company in the universe. Became a martyr at the hands of the US government's attempt to shut down his monopoly.
  • Andrew Carnegie = Charitable soul who helped fund public libraries. Also the CEO of a very large train company.
Clergy:
  • CEO = Chief Executive Officer, Keeper of the Gates of Wealth.
  • Administrator = Handles the sacred functions of managing the company.
  • Supervisor = Makes sure the Consumers do their work.
The Flock:
  • Consumers = Those who work to get money so they can buy things.
The Ten Commandments:
  1. Thou shalt not "steal." Thou shalt call it making a profit.
  2. Thou shalt buy buy buy!
  3. Thou shalt work hard for crappy wages, unless thou art a CEO or other such privileged high clergy.
  4. Thou shalt worship Barbie, Ken, and Kelly by buying idols of them, and by honoring their hallowed names.
  5. Thou shalt defile the name of The Commie, for He is evil and would take Christmas presents away from children.
  6. Thou shalt make every holiday an excuse to buy more than thou can afford.
  7. Thou shalt have cable television, or a satellite dish.
  8. Thou shalt buy things that are of little or no value to you, and keep them.
  9. Thou shalt keep thine sacred tools of worship with you at all times: thine cash, thine checkbook, and thine credit cards.
  10. Thou shalt not have a cheap funeral. Buy a gold-plated coffin.